Alot has happened since the last time I wrote. It is amazing the things that can occur in such a little amount of time. Granted, it has almost been a year since my divorce, and this IS the first Christmas that I will spend away from her.
It is amazing. She stays in contact with all of my friends, has no problem approaching them when she runs into them at restaurants, bars, whatever, and then is stupid enough to tell them that everything out of my mouth is a lie. That makes me laugh. How foolish. They see me busting my butt to make my family stay together, I never go out, and here she is, going out, getting drunk, and dating people that I know. Any person that dates her, if they were my friend, will never be forgiven by me. Ever. She is a slut, I know this. Brady Johnston is an asshole for wanting her, and telling me I am his brother, while he hits on her. He called her after she had her breast enlargement to ask her how large she had become. He told me that she approached him and told him she wished she could taste him. Her words. I am disgusted by those supposed friends of mine, and of her. I am in disbelief that she could lie to herself, when she lies to others, and tells them that she is not, nor has she ever been unfaithful.
What I hate more than anything, is that I miss her. I miss her touch, her being, her companionship. The good things. She is so two faced, and she tells me that it is a figment of my imagination. What is sad is that I wish it was true. I wish I could tell her that I was wrong, and that it would all be fixed. but it won't. ever.
Am I such a loser that I would still miss her? have feelings for her? what is wrong with me? why can't i move on the way she did? what is my problem?
There is a song that I've been hearing, first by Metallica, then by Bob Seger. It makes me cry. It completely opens my life, and what I am thinking / feeling.
I feel like there are times that I can't go on. Last night I felt that way. I had a desolate feeling in my heart. Then when I got home, I went downstairs and stood there staring at Megan and Racer in their beds. I started to cry, because they mean so much to me, and I could never live without them. I think of Rain, all alone, and my heart breaks. I hurt for her all the time. I KNOW her mother isn't with her. I know Cindie pawns Rain off so that she can go hoaring around, getting trashed. I know that is why Cindie has a room so far away from where Rain sleeps. I hate Cindie for the pain she and I are causing my little baby. I just wish Cindie would have wanted to get her life in order, stop running around, and be what she claims/ed to be. She wants everyone to think she is a great mother, and a good catch for some poor asshole (that was ME eight plus years ago). She isn't. she is a self absorbed, needy, demanding, no helping out, money hungry, got to live better than everyone else, whoring, drinking, witch craft practicing, can't keep her legs together, lying, manipulative, abusive, fucking bitch.
and sometimes i wish she was still with me.
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